Bring Me Their Miraculous!
by OwlsCantRead
Summary: "Bring me Ladybug's and Chat Noir's Miraculous!" While the words are Hawkmoth's catchphrase, predictably no non-akumatized person without knowledge of kwamis actually knows what a 'miraculous' actually is. Nooroo takes full advantage of this fact and gives the media the wrong impression… aka, Hawkdaddy. Gabriel promptly suffers a mental breakdown. Crackfic of the highest caliber.


A/N: Words in _italics_ indicate character thoughts.

There's some implied suggestive squick in this story, but it's all played for laughs and not actually meant to be serious. The power of crack compels me, man. Also, _crack_.

* * *

It was no secret that Nooroo disliked his master, or at least, what his master stood for.

The Moth Brooch was not meant to be used for nefarious purposes, and each and every day that the humble kwami was coerced against his will to empower akumas eventually took its toll on Nooroo.

Although he always put up a meek, submissive demeanor on the outside, deep within him Nooroo wished to correct this injustice.

What would the other kwamis do if their holder became corrupt, Nooroo wondered, pondering the most likely scenario as he tapped his forehead.

Tikki would undoubtedly try to reason with them as much as possible, Plagg would threaten to unleash an unsuppressed Cataclysm, Trixx would likely be the wily fox that he was and make an attempt to trick his holder into relinquishing him…

Nooroo sighed, sadly shaking his head. It was no good. None of those ideas were remotely any good in his given situation.

Gabriel Agreste wasn't a fool, and he wasn't a man who was going to be dissuaded from his ultimate goal unless he lost everything. The fact that he'd waged war against Paris on a near-daily basis as a supervillain was proof of that.

Nooroo winced as he recalled the man's motives. On a personal level, he could relate to the man. But if he were to be truthful, he just wanted Gabriel to give up evil, even if Nooroo knew that the only chance that would happen was if he pulled an all or nothing gambit like his Heroes' Day plan and either managed to win or lose it all in the end.

Either way, he would lose Gabriel as his Miraculous holder. Maybe it was selfish, but Nooroo wanted to see if there was some hope of redemption for the hardened man.

So if waiting for Hawkmoth to succeed in his endeavor or fall to Ladybug and Chat Noir was only going to result in losing his master, perhaps he ought to take a third option.

He hadn't wanted to do this, but his own master had forced his paw.

It was a simple plan, really. Maybe all Nooroo had to do was to simply make it so that Hawkmoth would have an inordinately hard time performing the tasks that he was currently doing. He just had to test his master's resolve until it cracked.

The only problem Nooroo had was the question of how he was going to make his master's life as Hawkmoth difficult. Hawkmoth was already used to setback. Nothing short of ruining his master's reputation would cause him to falter and relent.

But in spite of everything, Hawkmoth was feared by all Parisians thanks to his constant barrage of akuma attacks — which Nooroo painfully reminded himself was technically his fault. So aside from a crushing defeat, how could he possibly—

"Nooroo. It is time."

The kwami fell into place upon hearing Gabriel's voice. "Yes, master." Nooroo promptly acknowledged him, bowing his head down so that Gabriel didn't see the twinkle in his indigo eyes.

"I have a good feeling about today." Gabriel balled up his fists as he walked towards Nooroo. "Yes… this time, the Miraculous will be mine."

_Wait… the Miraculous! Of course!_ Nooroo perked up, realizing that the answer he'd been seeking was right in front of him. A rare sardonic smirk crept onto the butterfly kwami's visage. Although such mischief was usually Plagg's domain, one little prank to unleash some revenge would admittedly be cathartic.

Master Fu might not approve of what Nooroo was about to do… but honestly, right now the guardian had no say in the matter.

When Gabriel prepared to give the transformation command, he didn't notice that Nooroo had a confident grin instead of his usual apprehensive frown. If he had, perhaps he might not have pressed on in saying the words which would unknowingly seal his fate.

"Nooroo… dark wings rise!"

As Nooroo was sucked into the brooch fastened by Gabriel's collar, the kwami allowed himself to smile for once instead of crying in fear. This was going to be fun. Paris wasn't going to be prepared for what he'd planned. Nooroo was going to sully his master's reputation and defile it beyond repair, no matter how long it took.

For once, the kwami who'd always been pushed around and oppressed was going to have the last laugh.

* * *

It was another typical akuma attack, until it wasn't.

The akuma of the day was a former audio crew member who fiddled with radios on a daily basis until he was fired thanks to the fault of a snobby girl named Chloé Bourgeois (seriously, again? Nooroo recognized her by this point). By sheer luck, Nooroo hadn't even had to wait — the perfect akumatized person was right there.

All Nooroo needed was an akuma with the ability to transmit like Prime Queen, and by sheer luck—he made sure to thank Tikki—he had one right now.

"Now, Jammer!" His master's voice echoed all around him as Hawkmoth calmly spoke to the akuma. "I want you to jam all broadcast waves with high-frequency squelches that will damage the ears of everyone in Paris until both Ladybug and Chat Noir surrender to me. Broadcast your demand on every radio channel… make sure that those two wannabe superheroes surrender their Miraculous, or take it from them by force!"

Nooroo rolled his eyes as he swam about in his master's consciousness. Same old, same old.

And then, he took action.

Nooroo had never done this when Hawkmoth was in control before, never wanting his master to know that even in transformation he still held slight sway over the akumatized victims — he was the Kwami of _Transmission_, after all. Of course he would still be able to telepathically talk to others.

It was his trump card, and he wasn't about to lose it.

As such, instead of broadcasting something along the lines of, "HELP I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MADMAN" to the akuma, he mentally willed Jammer's words to be slightly different from what Hawkmoth had intended before the akuma went on the air, sending his speech all over the radios of Paris.

"Listen well, Paris!" A gnarly voice rang throughout the city, one which Nooroo recognized as belonging to the akuma. "I am Jammer, and today I'll be jamming every single frequency in the entire radio spectrum unless Ladybug and Chat Noir hand over both of their Miraculous to Hawkmoth!"

Nooroo mentally grinned when Jammer subtly proceeded to veer off-script, broadcasting the words that the kwami had projected without his master's permission to the akuma. "Now, what is a Miraculous, you might ask? Who cares! All you need to know is that Hawkmoth wants the Miraculous from Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"What are you doing?!" Hawkmoth seethed, mentally reining the akuma in. "Stick to the program, Jammer!" Luckily for Nooroo, Hawkmoth simply assumed that the akumatized person uttered the previous question because he had a flair for theatrics, and hadn't suspected a thing.

Nooroo mentally grinned, relaxing as he once against settled into Gabriel's mind. It had worked like a charm.

Meanwhile, Hawkmoth continued to control Jammer, not knowing that his kwami had cheekily set a plan into motion that would have everlasting effects.

In his haste, Hawkmoth hadn't noticed the look of fear that flashed across Ladybug's and Chat Noir's eyes when the akuma had broadcast Nooroo's query on air.

In his haste, he hadn't even realized that the words had been transmitted all across Paris — on every radio frequency, like he had requested.

In his haste, he hadn't realized that although his akumas had previously expressed their desires to attain the Miraculous for him, they had never emphasized the question as to _why_ Hawkmoth desired them so much, or even what a Miraculous actually was.

Until now.

The seed of curiosity was planted.

Just as Nooroo had planned.

* * *

"Grrr… foiled _again_! Damn those two! But you two got lucky today. Mark my words, Ladybug and Chat Noir… one day, I _will_ get your Miraculous!"

After his latest monologue to the window, Hawkmoth detransformed, leaving a fuming Gabriel Agreste and a woozy Nooroo by his side.

With a huff, Nooroo saw his master going out of his secret lair and quietly followed him. To nobody's surprise, Gabriel was being prissy about his latest defeat.

The kwami smiled. This was good. The more upset Gabriel was, the better.

Nooroo wished that he had popcorn with him. The delicacy wasn't his favorite, but it'd suit the ironic mood when his master realized just what was about to happen.

It happened sooner than Nooroo had expected. His master turned on the news—as he always did after an akuma attack—and almost immediately, a bombshell was dropped onto him.

The newscaster was Nadja Chamack, as usual. What wasn't usual, however, was the style of her report.

"In today's attack, we have received verbal confirmation over the radio that Hawkmoth's goal is to get the Miraculous of Ladybug and Chat Noir," the reporter spoke in a professional voice. "We have reviewed prior footage, cross-checking to Hawkmoth's first attack on Paris and have uncovered something disturbing. It appears that each and every one of Hawkmoth's minions have asked for these specific things. It begs the question — just what are these miraculous?"

Gabriel snorted. Why couldn't they just get to the battle already so that he could review his strategies and learn from his mistakes.

"As no one had this question on their mind before today's attack, the internet went into a frenzy to try and make a guess. And after much investigation, the public has deduced that 'miraculous' must be some sort of code word."

Really? Until now Paris still had no idea of what he was after? After all his preaching and his akumas blabbering about 'hand me your miraculous'? Seriously?

Now that ticked him off.

What infuriated Gabriel even more was that the media hadn't done their cross-checking correctly. When he first appeared, he had explicitly told Paris that he had wanted the Ladybug earrings and the Cat ring, so why were they acting like they didn't know…

His facial features froze.

Because they didn't know.

Of course the ignorant public didn't put two and two together.

Because who would suspect that the term Miraculous actually referred to those two specific objects he'd requested?

"Now the question is… what could Hawkmoth want from these two young charming superheroes? That is what the people of Paris want to find out. On a prompt given over the air today, Parisians on the internet have taken to guessing exactly what Hawkmoth is after from our heroes, Ladybug and Chat Noir…"

Gabriel clenched his fists, answering the question out loud. "You stupid fool!" he cursed at Nadja, "I want both the Ladybug and Cat Miraculous so that I can achieve what I truly desire! Have I not made that clear the last hundred or so times I sent out an akuma?"

Nooroo took this opportunity to speak up. "But master, they don't know that the Miraculous are referring to the earrings and ring."

Gabriel glared at his kwami, causing Nooroo to go pale until he turned back to the screen with an irritated huff. "You're right, Nooroo. But why are they so focused on what I'm after?"

Before he could think about it, he was hurled out of his thoughts by Nadja's voice.

"And according to one trending internet theory, an anonymous person has suggested that 'miraculous' actually stands for…" Nadja looked at her tablet in disgust, before coolly facing the camera. "…something which I will not say on live television, but if it's true, it would make Hawkmoth a huge pervert."

What.

When his mind registered the insinuation, Gabriel spat out the glass of water he had been drinking and began to splutter. The water splattered to the checkerboard-motif floor beneath as the man choked and gasped for air.

"Master?" Nooroo suppressed the urge to shoot his master a shit-eating grin, keeping the same hesitant expression that he always had on his figure to avoid any suspicion being cast upon him. "Are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine, Nooroo," he managed to gasp before glaring at the screen. "Ignorant fools! They know nothing about the Miraculous! How dare they come to such a humiliating conclusion!"

"Upon looking back, we have noticed that Hawkmoth is very persistent in going after Ladybug and Chat Noir." Although the words were said in a stoic, professional voice, Gabriel couldn't help but imagine that Nadja was raising her eyebrows suggestively in her mind, which slowly drove him into a frenzy.

Nooroo just smiled, taking care to remain behind Gabriel so that his master wouldn't catch him taking sadistic glee in watching his suffering.

As the Kwami of Transmission, he'd known that the media would overblow things. After all, Nooroo had been there during the invention of paper, phone system, fax, television, and even the internet. It was practically a given.

And since the public didn't know what Miraculous actually were, what better way to mess with his master than to let all of Paris get the wrong idea.

An appalling, _very wrong_ idea.

"In light of these recent revelations and possible stalkerish tendencies that the media had missed up until now, the netizens of Paris have collectively taken to calling Hawkmoth by a new moniker — 'Hawkdaddy', a name that, as loathe as I am to admit this as a third-party, actually does suit a harasser like him."

Gabriel's brain promptly short-circuited when Nadja's words registered in his mind. He gawked at the television, his left eye twitching. _H-Hawkdaddy!? Th-They're calling me—_

"Hee hee hee! Ha-Hawk… Daddy…? I can't believe… they actually… hahahaha!" Try as he might, even Nooroo was unable to hold his laughter in at the mortifying nickname that the Parisian media had taken to bestow upon his master.

His chuckles prompted Gabriel to snap back to reality. With an inhumane howl, the man grabbed the television remote and hurled the device in fury at Nadja's face.

Later, Gabriel will admit that it had somehow slipped his mind that the reporter was live on air and not actually in the Agreste household. But in present day, he only realized that fact when the LED screen to his front splintered into thousands of hairline cracks from the impact of the remote that had been flung at it.

Seeing the television ruined, Gabriel then let out an estranged scream to the air.

"M-Mr. Agreste!" Nathalie yelled, flinging the door open in concern before her voice trailed off as she took in the sight around her. "S-Sir…?"

The secretary didn't know what to expect when she burst in, but it definitely wasn't a broken 45-inch TV screen, a half-flustered, half-furious Gabriel Agreste, and a giggling mauve-colored butterfly kwami — which by itself was very odd, as she had never seen Nooroo (was that its name?) having the guts to do that to her boss throughout her entire tenure.

When Gabriel saw Nathalie gawking like a goldfish, he snapped at her. "Not. One. Word," he hissed dangerously while simultaneously clutching his hair, quickly turning the neat blond mop into an unkempt mess as he desperately clutched onto loose strands and locks of his hair in a bid to contain his growing stress.

And although Nathalie complied with his instructions, Gabriel couldn't help but to scowl when he noticed that the secretary had a bemused smile on her face when she made a call to replace the broken television with a new one.

When Nathalie left the room, Gabriel glared at Nooroo with fire in his eyes.

"Hawkdaddy… HAWKDADDY!? How _dare _they call me that! I am Hawkmoth, _not_ Hawkdaddy!" Although the words were hurled in anger, there was a hint of mental scarring in them. "Nooroo… I'm going to find the runt on the internet who had the gall to assume such heinous things about me—" Gabriel's face twisted in fury, "—and to add icing on the cake, had the nerve to give me that heinous name! I'll akumatize him or her and make their life a living hell, I swear! I _will_ find that person and ruin them, Nooroo!"

"Yes, master." Nooroo just smirked as he glanced at an increasingly unhinged Gabriel Agreste, his master wringing his hands together in a manner which made it seem as though he wanted to strangle someone.

The kwami felt his smile growing. He hadn't expected the Parisian media to deliver, but deliver they did.

Hawkdaddy.

_So_ worth it.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I somehow became trash for yet _another_ fandom, god help me.

This idea came on a whim when I saw that some people actually nickname Hawkmoth… Hawkdaddy. Then I imagined what would happen if he was actually nicknamed that in-universe… and this disaster is the result. I am so, so sorry.

On a serious note, I feel extremely bad for all the nonsense that Hawkmoth puts Nooroo through in the show, so I let the poor kwami have the cathartic honor of trolling Gabriel in return! :D

Do give me your thoughts on this! I might actually write more for this story if reception is good, since I laughed harder than expected when I penned it down. :p


End file.
